A life TOO ordinary..

It's a long time since I missed you. It must have been the beer.  Perhaps it's the music. Perhaps I caught a glimpse of us. And I just want to let it out and cry.

I didn't want you. I just wanted to be with you. And even that you couldn't give.

Have you wondered how our realities change over time, and they become our distant memory? Do you think about me, do you feel the guilt, do you feel my hurt, even if it's a fleeting moment?

I had a good time tonight. I love how it reminds me of the good times, I hate how it reminds me of the good times. And I would like to do it all over again.

It happened when I was trying to find some pictures of how PlayForFund (PFF) started out and chanced upon an old photo in 2009. That was probably the 2nd year for PFF when I was young, relatively happy and probably still able to drink quite a fair bit. It's a wonder how I my life mutated evolved to the way I am it is now. I should not be complaining, afterall I survived what was to follow a couple of months after the photo was taken, known as my dark ages.

In other news, I had the privilege of attending a private screening held at the National Museum by FMS and Honouring Singapore. It was truly inspiring and humbling experience, and I thank those who had a part in it for sharing such beautiful stories. I think the short films can be found online so do check them out!

It's another semester, another cycle in the office. Nothing much has changed really. I feel equally unsure, equally lacking, equally inadequate.

I did! So did many of my friends!

It's funny how curry has serendiptously become a national dish overnight.

Much as I would like to think I am open to immigrants, I begin to realise that I have become rather xenophobic of late. It makes me guilty when I think of my Chinese friends who are very nice and kind people.

It's such a pity, isn't it? Such a talent, such a troubled soul.

I was waiting for your next album, I loved Frank and Back to Black. And I paid for them. And I was hoping to pay for your new album soon.

Rest In Peace Amy. May you get rest finally.

I used to wonder when I was younger how it felt like to lose one's mind; what it takes for someone to abandon all logic, rationality, self-consciousness and enter into a totally detached state of mind (if there is one to start with). I used to ponder and concluded that it is a deliberate, conscious attempt to escape reality.

Perhaps it is. But it is definitely not conscious.

I think about the dark age quite abit. Especially when the mind is idle and refuses to go to sleep (like now). I am thinking about it again. It disturbs me to no end that I never knew what had happened. Perhaps ignorance is my bliss.

I remember some of my hallucinations, only to wake up and realise that some things are just figments of my imagination. I remember the tremors, the panic attacks, the paranoia, the unconsolable breakdowns, the disappointmets; but I simply couldn't piece them together.

I guess we should never let out mind wander too much.

I am totally obssessed with the new game Donutto introduced!!

In other news, Sunday at the Charity Fun Day was fun but tiring. My thigh muscles are aching with all the flipping that went on.

I've decided to hang on in there a little and give it one final try. There is inevitable dilemma. Chances are I may never have the same opportunity to meet such nice people again. Chances are I will be kicking myself 2 months down the road. Oh well. Chances are..

I have been assessing my current situation quite a bit and I am not sure if I like the way things are now. There is just something not quite right which I just can't seem to pin point. Perhaps there is simply no value on both sides which is why I have been feeling so empty. But I do hope to give it another go, just that the morale just dimishes faster that I could imagine.

I haven't been able to blog for the longest time because everything seem, or rather, IS mundane and there isn't much to talk about.

Some people in the office are the coolest and a couple are simply a pain(in the A). I am still quite debating whether it's time I want out. There are things pulling me on both sides. I think the pain can be quite a big issue.

Exam was quite a bitch and my hopes to score for my favourite module was brutally dashed by my favourite lecturer. Everything else just feels downhill.

Results out on 13th June!

I shall not continue before this post turns out to a 50 page rant on the pain and school and all the injustice in the world.

On a happier note, Krabi is a great place to lay on the beach and jump at the waves.

On a related note (since it is a happy thing), Khalil Fong is coming! *Digs out my hat and black-framed specs*

I am not too comfortable with the amounts of rants on how the country is and should be run lately. I am not exactly pro- status quo, but neither am I against them. Does that make me a doormat? I firmly believe that unless I can make a constructive contribution, I would rather not keep my mouth shut and let people who actually bother to try (or at least pretending to try) do their work. I feel that if I want a change, it should start with me. No one is more responsible for my destiny than myself. So if I am not taking the responsibility seriously, why should I be demanding others to do things my way, no? Shit, I think the propaganda is working real well on me! Anyway, some stuffs at work makes me wonder what is the criteria ICA sets for foreign talent to become one of us. Are they given citizenship because they are equaly mercenary, unreasonable, demanding, ungrateful like some of the citizens are? Are they briefed that they can make unreasonable demands just because they are citizens and they pay taxes? Don't get me wrong, I am not xenophbic; in fact, one of my closest friend is a foreign talent who turned Singaporean about 2 years ago. I like my foreign neighbours who are polite and cultured and have been very kind to my ageing parents. I do not understand how can some be so arrogant as to think they deserve to be more previlged than others? Others whose parents and ancestors contributed so, so much more building the nation. As if we do not have enough arrogant people, we need to import more of them to make up the numbers. I don't like the foreign talent policy. I also don't like how they encourage the elderly to carry on working. I do not think it's a good culture. I don't want to be old and aching and still have to drag myself to work so that I can earn a pittance. Neither I want that to happen to my parents or anyone else for that matter. In what situation will I be taken care of when I am old and weak and feebly, when I die of exhaustion? It's a scary thought. If that's how things are meant to be, I would rather die in my sleep before I reach that stage.

It happens every semester, as if nothing is moving, but everything else is piling up. And I start to wonder why can't I be smarter, healthier, wealthier, luckier, happier? I should be wiser than that. I should be grateful.

In other news, the Silliest is in town and had the bubble T (gong cha). And popcorn. And the best cousin. Hur hur.

Stefanie Sun's new album is cool. I am at track 4, so far so good. I like.

It has been the worst 2 weeks of my working life and it is not over yet. I am really tired..

It's been a year of gains and losses. A year of growing up. A year of realisation that life has not and never will be the fairytale I had assumed to be. A year of angst, a year of help, a year of desperation, a year of disappointments.. It has also been a year of love, a year of support, a year of true friendship.

Yes, Someone is watching over, but just not as frequent as I hoped for. I probably should not be asking for too much.

The week has been crazy and traumatizing that I wonder how I managed to survive the 14 hour workday week and a closed book research module altogether. In retrospect, the ordeal made everyone closer in a way and what doesn't break you makes you stronger, I think.

I am just so, so, so, so happy that the week is finally over that I am suddenly at loss (though I know there are many many many many things I need to do). Yep, 1 big load off my shoulders at least. I thank whoever is watching over!

I bought myself lunch at Bakerzinn after the paper today. It wasn't the best, but I think I deserved a treat and a pat on my back. hur hur.

The nephew's wailing horribly loudly. That restless boy...